Hello Ocean, Hello Anxiety

I love traveling. I love hopping on a flight and going to someplace I have never been before and instantly immersing myself in the sights, the music, and whatever food they’re known for. I love packing up the car and driving for days and days through cornfields and oil pumpjacks and endless McDonald’s. When on a road trip I often think about what it would be like to live in a little do-nothing town with nothing more than a gas station or what it would be like to work on a farm. I am constantly wondering.

Over the years I have been lucky enough to visit many places whether it be on a beach vacation, a baseball road trip, or just my stubborn 18-year-old self, insisting on driving two hours away to go camping for one night. I pride myself that at just 22, I have been to 20 states. Though my measurement is that I must do something in the state, I can’t just drive through. I’ve seen the Gateway to the West in St. Louis, Missouri. I took a Pink Jeep Tour in Sedona, Arizona, and tried Rattlesnake bites (YUM). I’ve tried deep dish pizza in Chicago, Illinois (EW!).

As I sit here writing this I am in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. It is beautiful. We have the best view a group of seven of us could afford, with an ocean view and a pool. This is the longest trip I have been on, tallying in at two weeks (including travel time). The first week we were here we mostly sat out in the sun, swam in the pool, and ate the most delicious Dominican food. I’m not much of a reader, but I knew I couldn’t just sit there with my worries, so I distracted myself with a couple of books that I have been meaning to read for at least a year. I finished them both in a day. I got sunburnt. I played euchre. I played pool and foosball, and of course, on vacation, I had a few too many piña coladas. Now, the piña coladas are another subject that we’ll cover later.

With all the traveling there is often something that comes along with it, the vacation anxiety. I don’t sleep, I just lay awake at night worrying about a little bit of everything. Where most seem to read and suntan and enjoy a few icy cocktails, I just can’t stop worrying. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my time in every new place, but there is always a little something in the back of my mind.

For now, the moral of the story is: I have never been one to sit and relax. I remember in second grade my teacher got annoyed that I chewed the end of my pencils and all through life I have been told to “slow down” and take more time doing things and to “stop rushing.”

For me, I just, can’t. Slowing down is where the darkness is and the sadness and the worry. And don’t get me wrong, over the years I have gotten better at sitting in that feeling and breathing through it (or crying through it), but I’d prefer to be the happy-go-lucky Margaux that people know and love, and so I am, most days. It just requires me to be as busy as possible working on as many projects as possible.

So what could I POSSIBLY be thinking about while looking at such a boujee view? Well, here’s a laundry list: I wonder if I will be able to find the office on my first day of work when I get back. Will I be successful in this position? Am I having impostor syndrome? What things can I do to make myself indispensable to my workplace? Should I try freelancing too? I don’t have dress shoes for an office, I need to get dress shoes. What about business casual clothes for the office? I have to get on my own phone plan this month, how do I pick one? I got approved for health insurance in California but what does that mean? I didn’t really understand the papers I got in the mail. I have to post for my theater group, I need to write that post. I need to update the analytics for the theater group and see how the shows went. Why do none of my clothes fit? Great I need to diet too. Is it ok that I am drinking piña coladas? I mean, we’ve only really drank on four days on the trip. I keep putting on sunscreen, but am I going to get skin cancer? Sunburns freak me out. Is this person mad at me? Is that person? (then it follows with me wracking my brain over what I may have done to piss someone off. Nine times out of ten, it's just me and my anxiety).

Now that my heart rate is through the roof as I write this, I try to rationalize what I am worried about. It doesn’t go away for more than a few hours before I have to count my breathing and rationalize again. It's hardest when I’m trying to sleep because I actually have to shut my mind off long enough to fall asleep.

For example, last night, the laundry list I listed above basically sums up my head. Eventually, I fell asleep and had some wild dreams, some that I’ve had before actually. This morning I woke up half rested, as usual.

Now for an emotional break: SIGH.

This is all not the end of the world. In life, we have to take the good and the bad. I know that is lame and everyone in your life has already told you that, just as everyone in mine has told me, but it's true. So let's talk about the good:

Yesterday I went horseback riding for three hours on the beach, through a little Dominican town, and up to a mountain where we had lunch then made our way back. My horse’s name was Mancha, he totally tripped and fell with me on him and gave me a heart attack, but he was ok and so was I. One person I was with got kicked by another horse while he was riding and broke a toe. One fell off a horse while trying to dismount and her knee is busted up a little. Now I know this all sounds awful reading it, but we’re already laughing about it. Immediately afterward we rented ATVs where I hit EVERY SINGLE PUDDLE through the tour. I mean when in Rome, right? Or I suppose in this case, when in the Dominican Republic! It's fine to get muddy, so do it.

The beach, my horse for the day, Mancha, and I

The ATV (pre mud puddles)

We have a few more relaxing days here in the Dominican where I will try and finish another book and we will take a day trip to a neighboring town, Cabarete.

Today, after I have eaten a good breakfast and rationalized today’s worries, I started googling “good road trips from Southern California.” The anxiety comes and goes, but the experiences are worth it and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

For now I just leave you with: everyone’s journey is windy and you don’t have to be grinding every second to get where you want to be in life. Take time to drink the piña coladas and soak up the tropical sun. Your problems will still be your problems when you get home. If it won’t matter in five years, then it really doesn’t matter. Be wild and adventure, everything else will fall into place.

XO,

Margaux